Eragon

Eragon is based off the novel by Christopher Paolini who began writing the novel (of the same name) at the age of 15. By the age of 17 he had a New York Times Bestseller on his hands, and is now working on the third and final book of the “Inheritance Trilogy.” The film, as I suspect the book does as well, plays very much like it came from the mind of juvenile. While that’s not all bad, it is limiting.

The story begins with a long prologue from an unseen narrator (Jeremy Irons) explaining the world of Alagaesa ruled by King Galbatorix (John Malkovich, who opens the film with what might be the dumbest line in cinema history) who has killed off all the dragons and taken control of the kingdom.

Arya (Sienna Gullory), a princess of, um, somewhere, steals the last dragon egg from the King’s fortress and sends it to a farm boy she has never met. Eragon (Edward Speleers) discovers the egg and keeps it safe until dragon, Saphira (Rachel Weisz), hatches and chooses Eragon to be its rider. With the help Brom (Irons), a man with a hidden knowledge of dragons and magic, Eragon tries to rescue Arya and become part of the rebel band to overthrow the king.

If any of this sounds a tad familiar you might have seen a tiny film called Star Wars which the film “borrows” many of it’s characters including the farm boy raised by his uncle and destined to be a magical warrior, the old wizard who teaches him, a princess kept in a hidden fortress, and much, much more.

Originality isn’t exactly this genre’s strong suit, but a little would have been helpful. But hey, the dragon looks pretty darn cool on screen and the relationship between dragon and dragon rider is one of the few that is both well thought out and explained.

Ergaon also feels like a book translated into film. The rise and fall of events in the movie may work fine in a book which needs strong endings for each chapter, but here such pacing doesn’t help. Nor does the limited dialogue (which almost no one in the cast gets through without looking foolish) or the limited world view of the author (who was 15 after all). The lack of explanation for many of this world’s enchantments is also troubling.

Despite these problems the film does have a certain charm. I can’t quite bring myself to recommend the film, but will say it’s a much better fantasy adventure for children than last year’s distasteful and woefully inept The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - read my scathing review here). I think pre-teens and young teenagers will enjoy themselves. The rest of us can make do with enjoying the beautiful scenery and good special effects of the dragon. That’s more than I can say for most dragon films.

The Fountain

“Finish it.”
“But I don’t know how it ends.”

The Fountain is hard to understand, difficult to discuss, and almost impossible to explain, but I’ll do my best to review the latest from writer/director Darren Aronofsky (Pi, Requiem for a Dream). In a year almost devoid of science fiction, here late in the year we get something dazzling.

The film takes place in three time periods. Two of the time periods are fictional, the Aztec jungles in 1500 involving a Conquistador (Hugh Jackman) and his search for the Tree of Life, and the floating space bubble in 2500 involving a bald monk (Jackman) nursing a dying tree as it floats into a dying star surrounded by a nebula.

The third of the story is in the present, or near future, as a doctor (Jackman) experiments on apes in a desperate obsession to save the life of his wife Izzi (Rachel Weisz) who is slowly dying from a brain tumor. Though the two other tales fit together more easily, it is this tale which is the heart and soul of the film.

The past and future tales take place in Izzi’s incomplete manuscript titled “The Fountain.” The film weaves these tales, reality and fantasy together, into a complex, head-scratching, and mind-bending tale so intense and beautiful you won’t be able to look away.

Usually when a film is met with bewilderment it’s sign of incompetence, but there are exceptions. The film’s themes layer themselves, each is a search to snatch life from the clutches of death, the eternal struggle for meaning, and the loss of youth and gradual decay of life over time. If answers are hard to come by, it’s because the questions it considers aren’t simple at all.

It’s not an easy film to follow for casual movie watchers, it demands the undivided attention of the audience, and even with that it still won’t reveal all it’s secrets. The film, one of a precious few nowadays, treats the audience as adults, even as intellectuals as it deals with complex ideas, fantasy, and science, weaving them all together in dizzying fashion.

The performances are outstanding as Jackman and Weisz provide the essential core to each of the three stories, each slightly different but remarkably the same. The supporting cast also includes some nice performances from Ellen Burstyn, Cliff Curtis. and Sean Patrick Thomas.

The three worlds in which these actors create are as fully realized as any one you’ll see in most films. So good are the set designs (created by set designers Frederic Amblard, Vincent Gingras-Liberali, Alex Touikan) and special effects (creadtec by fx coordinators Louis Craig, Mario Dumont) it’s impossible for me to pick a favorite of the three distinct worlds.

The negatives, though few, are troubling. One is the over-reliance on flashbacks that repeat over and over during the film, more than necessary without adding any new context or information with the viewing. There are moments in the film where it seems the film gets stuck in a loop. The second is the theft of the main set-up from a film of my childhood (The Never Ending Story), though this film is superior, in every single way, so I’m willing to forgive.

Aronofsky wanted to create something different, to return the Science Fiction genre to Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey where futuristic time periods and settings are used to examine larger issues and the complex nature of humanity. It’s not quite on the same level of 2001, but then few films are, but I give Aronofsky credit for setting out to create art rather than film; he’s given us one of the year’s most memorable movies.

Harsh Times

Imagine if Cheech and Chong cruised around South Central L.A. and Mexico, and one of them was a psychotic Rambo wannabe. That’s the basic premise, actually the entire plot, of Harsh Times. These characters have made each of their lives into a long, boring, pointless mess…kinda’ like this film.

Jim (Christian Bale) is an award winning screw-up and psycho. He spends his days getting high and drunk with his friends in South Central L.A. Despite his nature, his constant need for violence and total disregard for the law, and severe post-traumatic shock from his time as a soldier in Iraq, Jim wants to be a cop or maybe a Fed.

His best pal Mike (Freddy Rodriguez) is another loser with a woman (Eva Longoria) he doesn’t deserve. He spends his days pretending to get for a job while actually getting high with Jim.

This is a film about brutal people who keep making the wrong decisions. It’s impossible to care about Jim, Mike, or their nameless friends and acquaintances. Whatever trouble they get into they bring on themselves, and the consequences are more than justly deserved.

The film tries to paint a good side to these characters giving us Jim’s girl in Mexico (Tammy Tull) and the love between Mike and Sylvia, but these small glimmers of actual humanity are buried deep inside characters we don’t want to spend ten minutes with (let alone the entire two-hour running time). Too little, too late. There’s just not enough good in either of them to justify one single moment of their behavior, let alone try to excuse, or understand, any of it.

The film also has the problem of looking and feeling cheaply made. The hand-held camera shots cramped into cars and, the chap Iraq “night-vision” intro and flashbacks, and the total lack of extras in many scenes - is this L.A. or the middle of nowhere? I doubt the “film” was actually made for two nickels and a bag of chips, but that’s certainly how it appears.

The Diagnosis
I understand the idea behind writer/director David Ayer‘s film, but I just didn’t care. The performances are fine, though most of what it calls for are over-the-top-drug-induced-lunacy and stupidity, which isn’t the hardest thing in the world to portray. Rodriguez is the only one who isn’t way over the top or just phoning it in, but his performance, and the in-focus subtitles for the Spanish language scenes, aren’t quite enough to justify the film being made, let alone to recommend that anyone spend money to see it.

Man of the Year

We’ve seen this done before, and done better. Man of the Year doesn’t come close to Levinson’s direction of David Mamet’s wickedly humorous satire Wag the Dog and lacks the warmth of Dave. It falls apart in the second act, seemingly written and directed by a studio exec’s retarded grandson, as the film losses all it’s momentum as the comedy is shelved for a thrill-less thriller.

Tom Dobbs (Robin Williams) is a comedian with his own late-night political show, think Bill Maher or Jon Stewart amped up on caffeine. An offhand remark by a audience member begins a series of unusual and unbelievable circumstances leading this funny man to become the President of the United States.

It has a perfect set-up. As Dobbs runs just to stir the pot, which no one takes seriously, Elanor Green (Laura Linney), an employee of the Diebold-like maker of the new voting machines, discovers a slight flaw in the system. When she presents her findings to the CEO she is told the problem is being worked on and will be corrected.

When Dobbs wins the election she realizes the company has lied and sets out to expose what happened, only to be discredited by the company’s shady lawyer (Jeff Goldblum) and practices. In her quest she discovers something shocking, despite the fraudulent vote and rigged election, maybe, just maybe, the right man won afterall.

Barry Levinson creates the perfect vehicle for Williams to go crazy and have something legitimate to say about politics. He then surrounds him with a posse (Christopher Walken, Lewis Black) to bounce his unique humor off of. The problem arrises once Dobbs becomes President. The ride was so much fun and Levinson doesn’t know how to keep it going.

Instead he bogs the film down in a pretty average, and more than mildly-confusing, political thriller as the company’s disinformation campaign takes over the entire film, leaving Williams speechless (not a good sign), Linney haggard (not appealing), as the film’s humor is hijacked halfway through (that’s bad, especially for a comedy). It never gets back on track.

A trainwreck though, better than the last time the pair teamed-up ( 1992’s Toys), still has more than its share of problems. The uneveness of the film given it’s tonal shift in the second half just deflates the film and charatcters putting comedic actors in a thriller that lacks any real thrills. I’m still, marginally, recommending it to you for the first half of the film, but after you’ve watched the scene where Williams dresses-up as George Washington you might want to get up and see what’s playing next door.

Material Girls

I usually like nothing better than to rip a film like this to pieces, but this one is so bad that I actually became sorry for all those involved. Rather than pointing out the films poor acting, writing, production, and directing, I’d just like to offer everyone a great big hug and a shoulder for all involved to cry themselves back to sanity. Don’t worry; you’ll work again…probably.

The Marchetta sisters, Tanzie (Hilary Duff) and Ava (Haylie Duff), are heirs to a cosmetic fortune held in trust by their father’s best friend (Brent Spiner) after his death. They’re rich and spoiled, but are good natured, honest, nice and sweet.

Just days before receiving control of their company the girls get an offer to sell out to their competitor, Fabiella (Anjelica Huston). Shortly afterward news breaks on the troubling side effects of the new cosmetics put out by Marchetta, sending the girls on the run from the paparazzi.

Together with the help of a lawyer (Lukas Haas) and a scientist/valet (Marcus Coloma) the girls find happiness, despite the loss of their millions, and begin investigating the incident in order to recover their wealth and clear their father’s good name.

Where to begin? The movie feels like a made-for-TV after school special from the eighties. I didn’t know Brent Spiner and Anjelica Huston were so hard up for roles. I really hope they get back on their feet and are able to put food on the table with the checks from this film. I wonder if there’s a celebrity charity hotline I could call and offer them my help?

The film has a loose plot that revolves around the sisters getting into different kinds of trouble (the “humorous” not the dangerous kind), reconnecting with their housekeeper (Maria Conchita Alonso - Where have you been? It’s been long time since The Running Man). Nothing remarkable to talk about here; the hijinks of the girls are your usual B-sitcom variety.

This one’s not going on anybody’s resume. The more I watched the film the sadder I got for the Duff girls. Really, I wanted to advise them to burn every copy of this film. More than anything it shows the lack of range of both sisters, who might be at home on a TV screen or in a music video, but are sorely lacking the star power needed to carry a film (at least one that was seemingly written by thirteen year-old girls over lunch one dreary afternoon). Hopefully the film won’t lose too much money, and they’ll be able to get back their TV commercial jobs selling gum.

An Inconvenient Truth

An Independent Truth is the single most important film of the 2006. Global Warming is real and it’s happening right in front of us - despite what the nice man who sold you your Hummer lead you to believe. In fact the signs are becoming so evident that the younger generation is looking to the older with increasing skepticism and questions on how they could let such a thing happen (and are still allowing it to continue). This is the first of two important documentaries that looks at the problems of our culture and solutions that are both being ignored by those with deep pockets who want to squeeze every last red cent out of the Oil Industry and the planet before even contemplating change (the second Who Killed the Electric Car? will be out by the end of the month).

Gore’s documentary is beautiful in its simplicity. He goes over the basics of the science of global warming (with an exceptionally funny cartoon from Futurama creator Matt Groening) and then gives visual evidence of the change in climate from different locations all over the globe. From mountains to valleys, from rain forests to the arctic, one thing is clear - humans are having a tremendous effect on our environment.

Gore spends time on the scientific data including how it is obtained, how it was used back in the 1960’s to correctly predict where we are today, and finally what it predicts for the future. He points out that scientists agree (despite what negative campaigns in the popular press would like you to believe) that Global Warming is real and getting worse. Gore not only makes his case (in devastating and sometimes slightly humorous fashion), but he does it in such a manner that you wonder just what’s wrong with those who still can’t accept the facts about Global Warming.

The film is centered on the presentation (or “slide show” as Gore calls it) that he has been doing for three decades in numerous cities all over the globe. This is a man that has travelled to the far reaches of the planet, forced the government to release “confidential” reports, and has studied and now taught about this issue for years. He is cool, calm and collected but also passionate and imploring about the need for this issue to be discussed and serious change to be brought about.

Throughout the film we are shown a little into Gore’s history and how his personal experiences and tragedies have shaped how he views the problem of Global Warming. At first these small snippets seem to take you away from the film’s main message, but the more you watch the more you understand how these experiences shaped Gore into the person who has spent half his life championing this cause.

In many ways the film is heart-wrenching and disturbing but it is not a doomsday scenario. Gore points out that we have what we need to stop these effects and scale back the damage we are causing to the environnment. It just takes time, effort, and political will (which as Gore states is a renewable resource in this country).

If you only see one film this year go see this one. I’ve seen it three times now. I’ve seen it with friends and relatives and I plan to take others with me to see it again. Gore’s message must be heard; its too important not to be. Whether Republican or Democrat, whether you like him or you don’t, if you care about the world you are living in and you can about what world you will leave to your children, then go see this film. It’s not a political attack ad. It’s not Gore’s attempt to begin a Presidential campaign. It’s deeply personal issue that effects every man, woman and child who lives on this planet. It’s a moral issue, and it needs to be addressed.

Cars

Everyone else stop making animated films because Pixar has cornered the market. With Toy Story 2, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles and now Cars Pixar is dominating the genre in such a way that if it can continue will rival that of Disney’s golden age (no surprise why Mickey dipped into his deep pockets to bring Pixar under the Disney banner).

Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is the young hot shot can’t miss next big thing in racing with an ego to match. In a three way tie for first place with the retiring champ The King (Richard Petty) and rival upstart Chick “Thunder” Hicks (Michael Keaton), McQueen is just days away from the biggest race of his life which will bring him the fame and glory he so deeply covets. However he gets lost on the way to California and ends up in the sleepy small town of Radiator Springs where he is spooked into accidently causing damage that he is ordered to repair by Judge Doc Hudson (Paul Newman).

As McQueen complains and sees his chance at greatness slowly slipping away he learns to appreciate and connect with the members of the small town including the local D.A. Sally Carrera (Bonnie Hunt), the junkyard pick-up Mater (Larry the Cable Guy), the Ferrari crazed Luigi (Tony Shaloub) and Guido (Guido Quaroni), the stuck in the 60’s VW bus Filmore (George Carlin) and slowly starts to learn that maybe money and fame aren’t the only things worth caring about.

If the plot of the movie sounds familiar you probably saw the 1991 Michael J. Fox romantic comedy Doc Hollywood which bears a striking resemblance to this story. The story carries a message about small towns and the speed of big city life but is patient and doesn’t hit you over the head with it. Much like the small town charm of Radiator Springs itself Cars just wins you over the longer you stay.

The animation is just jaw-dropping amazing. The level of detail needed to do a film filled with metal characters is high (think Robots but done twice as good with characters and a story worth caring about). The race scenes of the stadium filled with cars, lights, action, movement, reflection, are so spectacular you won’t believe your eyes. And slyly while that’s happening the heart of the film will win you over completely.

Every choice made here is the right one from the choice of announcers - Darrell Cartrip (Darrell Waltrip) and Bob Cutlass (Bob Costas), to the voice of McQueen’s agent Harv (Jeremy Piven), to the perfect casting of the look of late night host Jay Limo (Jay Leno). All of that and I haven’t even touched on the great performances from the likes of Richard Kind, Cheech Marin, John Ratzenberger, and many others.

Some movies are just a joy to watch. From begining to end Cars belongs on that list. If there’s one film that’s worth taking the entire family to see for the pure enjoyment of what summer movies can be it’s this one. Hop in your car and drive on down because this might just be the most fun you’ll have all summer long.

Hard Candy

A two actor performance piece about a a deranged and vindictive 14 year-old girl and a pedophile. Yeah…you might say this isn’t exactly for everybody. I saw the film in a mostly empty theater during a press screening and I’m pretty sure I would not want to view it in a crowded one. It’s an intensely uncomfortable experience that never quite justifies what it puts the audience through, but there are points to, well not exactly enjoy, but at least appreciate.

Jeff (Patrick Wilson) is a photographer who has an attraction to underage young girls who he meets online. As the film opens he has made a date with 14 year-old Hayley (Ellen Page) to meet at a local coffee shop. The two rendezvous and talk and eventually go back to his place where they share some more conversation over drinks. Everything seems to be going swimmingly for Jeff until he faints and wakes up tied to his chair with Hayley in control calling him a pervert and a predator.

Hayley proceeds to verbally abuse Jeff as she searches through his house for evidence of child pornography and proof that he’s responsible for the abduction and possible murder of an underage girl from the same coffee shop. Jeff at first can’t comprehend his new condition as this young girl has turned the tables on him and seems to grow crazier the longer this goes on. Hayley even goes so far as to tie him to the table and offer her own solution to his problem by suggesting and performing (guys, prepare to wince) an impromptu circumcision.

The film is not for everyone and truthfully most people will be quite uncomfortable through parts if not all of the film. The issues the film raises are serious ones and it never takes them lightly in Hayley’s search for justice and truth. The problem becomes we never are let into the reasons behind her crazed mission and so she comes off as bad, if not worse, than the child molester (something quite remarkable but not necessarily good for the film).

The performances are outstanding in what amounts to basically a two-man play (in fact I think this material would work much better on stage than in a theater where I don’t think casual observers are going to be comfortable with the subject matter). Ellen Page plays Hayley with a multitude of colors and layers letting us see her childhood innocence and her very adult cynical attitudes that lead to violent outbursts and some shocking actions. Wilson has the uninviable job of making the pedophile the victim of the piece and does well with such a near impossible task.

The film veers off from time to time as events happen and Hayley proves so resilient and intelligent (even clairvoyant at times) that by the end of the film its hard to take her seriously as an actual 14 year-old (or even human for that matter). The film’s length and rather unsatisfying ending may also leave viewers a little cold to a film that although it has a lot to say in the end doesn’t really have a point.

Still the film will illicit a reaction from you the audience member and is different enough with good performances for me to recommend it to people that can stomach the subject matter. Be warned however despite how well it is made it’s not an easy film to take, nor in the end that satisfying of one. And you might want to budget some time afterwards to go home and shower.

Firewall

Firewall is one of those high tech terrorist action films that if you pay even the slightest attention to or know anything about computers you’ll actually laugh at how ridiculous it is. Not to be outdone however the script is equally poor and the acting, from a group of damn good actors, is substandard. Not to be outdone however the effects, camera work and movie cues are horrendously awful. What’s good about Firewall? Not much.


Jack Stanfield (Harrison Ford) works for a bank, has a loving wife Beth (Virginia Madsen), and two cute kids (Carly Schroeder and Jimmy Bennett). A group of exceptional thieves kidnap his family and hold them for ransom while Jack is at work. They take control of the house, readjust the security system and put cameras in all the rooms (yet they forget to unplug the phones, take away the family’s car keys, and decide to leave the family together unwatched except for the cameras that don’t pick up sound so they can plot escape).

The leader of the group Cox (Paul Bettany) informs Jack of his situation and sends Jack wired with a pen camera to work to keep an eye on him. Cox later shows up under a flimsy cover and explains they are going to steal $100,000,000 from the bank using a USB Drive and frame Jack for the crime. Jack informs him that his plan is stupid and won’t work and the kidnapper realizing his mistake makes Jack come up with his own plan to steal the money which involves parts from a printer and an iPod. Well logic has just left the world of Firewall, if it was ever there to begin with.

If they are going to frame Jack why does Cox not just give him the USB Drive and have Jack steal the money, record him doing it on the security system, and then they have the proof to frame him? Instead Cox shows up in the building and then Jack and Cox have to go around and erase any trace of the two of them together. Neither the original plan nor Jack’s plan make any sense if you sit down an analyse them. The film’s creators realized this of course so they rush through the explanations of both plans using as many techno-babble words as possible and them move onto the more suspenseful scenes.

As a suspense film the movie works in places but is hampered by the bad guys being mean but not being villains. Sure they keep threatening Jack and his family, but aside from a couple of bumps and bruises they don’t do anything except allude to what might be done. At no point do you believe that the family is in any real danger or that anything might actually happen to them. When the film needs Cox to show force to the family rather than attacking one of them he kills one of his own men in front of them. Huh? And the film’s inability to decide if the thieves are really smart or really stupid drove me nuts (though in a climatic scene we do get to see one of the kidnappers does have an explosive personality as he’s hit with a car and EXPLODES!!!).

We also get a supporting cast which may or may not be part of the plot including Alan Arkin, Robert Patrick and Robert Forster. The film tries to build suspense as to who might be involved without much success. A final note, on musical cues and camera work - ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! The creators of this film couldn’t have been more obvious, overbearing, and annoying in their choices of hand-held shaky cam and redundant “here’s a suspenseful moment,” “something bad is going to happen,” “watch out!,” “happy moment.” cues that will just drive you up the wall including odd choices of music, bad timing and execution, and heavy-handed delivery.

The cast isn’t helped out by the poor script and most of the performances are phoned in. Nobody is going to put this one on their resumes. It’s just bad, bad, bad. The plot makes a Michael Bay film look well thought out. Despite a setup that should lead to some interesting storytelling the film flies off in NeverNeverland on ridiculous premise after ridiculous premise by having the characters repeatedly do something counter-intuitive (not to mention illogical, ridiculous, and asinine) only because it’s required for the next stupid scene in the movie. Setting this movie on fire and watching it burn would have been more entertaining.

The Matador

Pierce Brosnan is funny. It’s been so many years since Remington Steele that I had forgotten how funny he could be. If The Tailor of Panama was a realistic take on his Bond character The Matador is the comedic take. Brosnan owns the screen in this nice little gem.

Danny Wright (Greg Kinnear) is a struggling businessman who has traveled to Mexico with his business partner to try and put together a deal to save his livelihood. In the hotel bar one night he meets Julian Noble (Pierce Brosnan) an interesting but rather uncouth gentleman who buys him a drink. Aganist his better judgement Danny spends some time with Julian and learns what he does for a living. Julian is a hitman, though one who is beginning to lose his edge.

Time passes and Julian has botched another job so badly that his bosses have put a hit out on the hitman. With nowhere else to go he goes to stay with Danny and his wife Bean (Hope Davis) hoping to guilt Danny into helping to get him out of this mess and remind Danny of the favor he owes.

Brosnan is terrific as the friendless lone gunman who doesn’t really know how to act with people (his comments to Danny in the bar are hysterical!) Kinnear works well as a straight man to Brosnan’s antics and Davis, who I normally don’t like, is well cast as Danny’s wife. There are many small characters but the film rests on the odd couple relationship between Danny and Julian who aren’t quite friends but something more than strangers.

The movie skips around a little too much and could use one last edit as the film is slightly uneven in its tone. I also wasn’t a fan of the large full screen fonts in presenting a new location or story transition.

The Matador is a good comedy that allows Brosnan to go full out and give one hell of a performance. Though not great, I’d put this at the top of pretty good comedies of the year such as Waiting…, Cassanova, and The Weather Man, it’s definately worth checking out for a very different type of comedy than the usual Hollywood fare.

Underworld Evolution

I dislike movies where as an audience member I spend more thought on the story than the writers, closer attention to the dialogue than the actors, and a keener eye on storytelling than the director. Underworld Evolution is just such a movie.

The movie begins with the back story explaining how the first vampire (Brian Steele) and the first werewolf were twin brothers and they were both imprisoned in order to halt the war between the vampires and werewolves. William (the vamp) allows himself to be imprisoned so Viktor (Bill Nighy) won’t kill his brother, just imprison him. Wow, lots of backstory we didn’t get in the first movie (probably because they hadn’t written it yet) and get ready to sit and listen to it be explained to you by Steven Mackintosh‘s character whose sole purpose in the film is to try and fill over the HUGE @#%*! plot holes in the barest cosmetic way.

We move back into present time as only minutes have passed since Lucian (Michael Sheen) has died and Selene (Kate Beckinsale) has killed Vicktor and fled with the hybrid werewolf/vampire thing Michael (Scott Speedman). William escapes confinement in the mansion and kills everybody on both sides when he’s not to busy flying around on his humongous bat-wings (Why does he have bat-wings you ask? Good question, and the movie doesn’t really have an answer except that he may be a hybrid…but Selene tells Michael he is the first hybrid, but then she says William is one….maybe it’s because he’s the first vampire…wait a minute why is his father still alive? AGGGGHHHHH!!! The whole movie is like a mind puzzle created by someone whose fourth language is English and they only speak one language).

Anyway William wants to kill Selene even though she killed their mutual enemy Vicktor so he can take the pretty necklace of her werewolf boy-toy and open the cage of his brother who despite not eating anything for over six-hundred years is in perfect health and extremely strong and grumpy about his imprisonment. In walks Alexander Corvinus (Derek Jacobi) grandsire to Michael and father to both brothers who has lived for centuries unknown to everyone. He lets himself be killed and allows Selene to suck his dying blood to find the knowledge (and evidently superior strength and other amazing abilities) to stop William. Wait a minute, Corvinus is a just a guy who’s sons became the first vampire and werewolf when they were bitten…so why is he still alive and so full of vim and vigor yet so willing to let William kill him? AGGHHHHH!!!

The entire story runs like this and the absence of logic finds its way into all aspects of the film. Beckingsale’s skin-tight rubber suit gets gashed and torn in her battles, yet in the next scene it somehow miraculously heals just as she does (wow, vampire rubber!). Michael never feeds except through Selene when he gets his clock cleaned yet he is full of strength and vitality to kick ass when called upon to do so. And don’t even get me started on the sex scene which Speedman and Beckinsale awkwardly have sex while he is standing about a foot and a half too far above and away from her making what the film implies physically impossible. That and an unsurprising surprise ending including more AGGGHHHHH moments make this film just torturous to watch and impossible to enjoy.

This is just sheer crapolla folks; the film makes little to no sense and is filled with constant quick-cut fights to try and mask the fact that it reads like it was written by Carrot Top’s retarded kid brother. An early favorite for worst film of 2006 and just a sad, pathetic, stupid film.